today, i finally understood what it is like to swallow a sleeping pill every 5 minutes. i suddenly feel like GP lessons have become GP lecture with a lecturer that just keeps on rambling. sigh. but ive decided that its only for the nest 14-16 weeks and i'll be able to survive. *gulps coffee*

i heard that mr leong dyed his hair blonde. COME ON... how old are you? 16 going on 17? seriously, blonde? anyway, nvm, thats none of my business.

a levels are in 14 weeks. and im on blogger blogging. does this illustrate how extremely screwed i am? gosh. chemistry is killing me slowly, very slowly indeed. between organic and bone angles, im not exactly sure whats what anymore. kinda upset cause i took it thinking that it would be an easy A. big mistake. HUGE mistake. should have taken something else that would have made use of general knowledge instead. sigh.

physics is getting that much better. im still not an A student, but i imrpoved tremendously. that's good enough for me. i have a rather good feeling about econs as well. the only disappointing subject this time would be math =( ARGH!

gosh. im rambling. again.

*chants: i am insignificant, my life is insignificant*

in recent years, there seems to be a truck load of controversy over the appreances of new routes of education, namely the IP and IB programmes. this has especially been so since ACS started offering it to their students with L1R5 of 7 and below. It once again gained substantial attention when straits times published an article about the splendid results of the students in ACS.

truthfully, i couldn't care less about the IB until i heard that 1) they DONT HAVE TO TAKE PW and 2) they learn "breadth" rather than "depth".

but...enough skeptism. i mean, we all go through this stupid system to get into uni right? so i went to do some google-ing and low and behold look what i found out:

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gosh. sometimes, i just want to kill the singapore education system for putting us through so much hell just for the sake of convenience.

i have been reading an ongoing manga called azora yell. it's not exactly a love story, but what makes it so refreshing is that it encourages us to go on. it doesnt matter how bad you are, or how behind you are, as long as you give it your all and move on, then things will get better. After all, if you're on the ground floor, then where else is there to go but up?

god, these two years in JC for me have been uber demoralising. It has just been one blow after another with not many rewards along the way. Its been really difficult to gather the strength and motivation to push myself. Its been even more difficult to look at my bad grades and think that i shouldnt have gone to JC at all. but i know for a fact that this is a decision that i have made, and it is one that i have to stick by, whether i like it or not. so i decided, at the beginning of this year, to give it my all. to, at least, try. then when i graduate, at least i know that i've given it my best shot.

what really kills me, is knowing that my best shot will never be enough. blame it on the stupid education system or the competition, but it kills me to know that even if i study 10 hours a day, it would be almost impossible to get into the course of my choice.

i want to study law. i really do. but with my grades, its almost an impossible dream.

a lot of times i wonder if things would have been different had i grown up somewhere else. the grass is always greener on the other side, right? but i know that those thoughts are only dreams. reality is often more cruel than true. it sucks. it really does.

just hopefully, i'll be able to pull through this year, as i have done before. only 3 more months to go!

after a million years of not knowing how to change my skin, i finally have my old skin back!!!!

today, i want to blog about this:

LSG leaving, no wait, LEFT.

low and behold. *deep breath*

quick summary. last day of school before BTs. he suddenly tells us he's leaving the school for good. we were SHOCKED INTO SILENCE. at that instant, i literally saw my A for GP flying away. i could have cried.

i really couldn't believe that he was leaving (left, whatever). why? because i was naive enough to believe that he actually cared about us. 08s23. i believed because he treated all of us equally. he didn't care about our past. he only cared about who we were, at the point in time he started teaching us. he didn't judge us because of our past records and he tried his hardest to include everyone, regardless of. . .well, everything.

but i guess at then end of it all. we just dont mean much to him at all, do we? sigh.

for me, he was sort of like a pillar of confidence. i felt that i could do well for GP because he was always around to tell me what i did wrong or how i could improve. but now that the pillar's gone, it seems as if doing well for GP is an impossible task. thats probably the reason why i feel a little angry. its almost as if he's just abandoning us at the most crucial point. i still kind of hate him for that.

but anyway, i sure am going to miss those fun GP lessons =]

our new GP teacher, whom we will meet soon, is mrs helen goh. apparently, she's some really old KI teacher. but somehow, its not going to make much of a difference because we will most probably think she's not any good anyway. its hard to settle for anything less when you've already experienced the best. at least i think so.

i finally have time to myself to think about the events of the past few weeks.

i'm glad that there will no longer be any late night trainings, that there will no longer be saturdays full of anxiety and stress, and that i probably will never have to see another motion for the rest of my life.

i'm sad that i probably will never have a chance to meet up with the PJC debators again, that i probably will never again feel the same adrenalin rush when talking about pertinent issues that no one really cares about, that i probably will never have a chance to debate another motion for the rest of my life.

sigh. im not used to such conflicting emotions.

MIDCs ended in a blast. SA is ranked 7th out of 28 schools including Singapore american school and United world college. its a great imporvement compared to last year's performance and im glad we made it this far =] it is truly a reflection of how much we've put in during all our training sessions.

im thanful for friends who asked and listened even though they probably didnt know a thing about debates =] glad for teachers who didnt go balistic over 3 weeks of unfinished homework =] and glad of team mates who probably feel that same way i do at this point in time (and forgave me for the horrible performance at quarters) =]

now that all that's over. its back to mugging for A's. i fully intend to get my 3 H2 A's, even though at this point in time, it seems almost impossible.

thinking about A's, i realized that my jc life is almost over. but that tale of rollercoaster emotions, i shall save for another time. . .

(when i dont have 3 weeks worth of homework to complete)

cheerio =]

i really dont know what do.

how do you decipher what is true and what is not when all that you're hearing is yet another story.

i believe that its important to be true. and yet the truth is so difficult to find.

i try. i try very hard. but i canno go through this over and over and over again. i need to know that there is at least someone out there who wont make me feel like crap because of what he/she/they said.

sigh.

im also feeling guilty.

funny isnt it. i feel guilty that i got an A for chinese.

i guess i just dont know how to handle my emotions yet. im waiting to grow up somemore. . .

i feel horrible.

i wanted to make things better, but i only ended up making things worse.
why can't people just say what they truly mean and stick to it.
i feel slightly betrayed, cause i didn't so all this for myself.
when it comes down to the crunch, its my fault again.

i shall change. i shall do things that i have been told to do. nothing more and nothing less. i refuse to be part of this game.

i feel horrible.


how can one person screw up so many things in one day.
i think i am the only one. sigh. im glad i wont be going to school tomorrow.
i suddenly feel like school is such a horrid place to be in.

i guess the only solace i have now is that i will be out of here pretty soon.
im just thankful that i still have some people i can talk to in school.

i think i have reached my breaking point.

• elizabeth.SAJC.08S23

recent-letters

• stuff
• IB Vs A's
• demoralizing
• new beginning?
• midcs- afterthoughts
• i dont know anymore. . .
• its my fault
• IM NOT CHANGING.
• memorable
• having weird moodswings

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